Today I officially started my hiatus from everyday life, and into life focused on strengthening my relationship with Jesus. For my newer followers who don’t feel like scrolling all the way down to how everything was going during August & December of last year, I’ll condense things: I went through the most difficult time personally, of my life from a breakup that I never saw coming. Through some introspection and prayer, I’ve seen that my actions caused the most friction. Since the emotional and spiritual rollercoaster, my life has completely changed, and for the better. I’m single still, and my relationship with God is everything to me. Anyways, back to the present. I’ve noticed myself getting kind of depressed lately, and it’s been mainly because I’ve been dwelling on the “why” and “how comes” of why the relationship ended the way it did. Soooo instead God is leading me to do something I’ve never done before; jump in the good memories of the past, pray, and then shift the happiness toward His goodness. Places my partner and I ventured to, I’ll visit again. Pictures and other internet things I’ll look at again. And after each time, I’ll thank my heavenly Father for the good and the bad. Many good memories have made me smile randomly today. This aftenoon I spent reading, praying, eating A LOT, and chillin with my grandma. 86 years old and still kickin it with me. That woman is something else lol. So as Day One comes to a close, I thank God for the sunshine, good food, family, and. His love.
I don’t want to be here. I shouldn’t be here.
If you’re always out looking for love the way you expect it to be, it’s gonna pass you by before you’re even able give any back.
When you sleep, it’s almost as if you were alive, trailing down the pathways of your subconscious like a sluggish tourist without a camera. Like trying to capture every moment between your hands that hold past and present like dry sand, without a basket to carry the future in before the sea washes it away. Dreams likes to play hide and seek with what lies ahead, and you can never seem to tag the back of it’s shirt without waking up first. Your own worldwide web of thoughts and aspirations all tangled together for you to connect what’s right and what’s left. What’s up and what’s down. What didn’t happen and what should’ve happened. You rise up as an archangelic composer to a symphony that will perform when you start paying attention to your life’s song a little more. You construct skyscrapers larger than the afterlife with the squinting of your eyes, and connect earth and space together without a single harmonic note played, with the pinching of your thumb and finger. You can fly farther than sunlight decides to scatter! You can finally beat up that bully who gave you that black eye. You can jump halfway across the world, land on a brick of the Berlin Wall, and crush forever the division indifference can bring. You can dive without oxygen. Drive without a liscence. You can open up the doors to a mansion as a gift for your mom and see her smile again. But when you’re waking up, you can tell. It doesn’t matter where you are, you finally see that every life has an ending when living on this planet. You realize that science, math, history and poetry become blood brothers when your vision gets hazy, and the beauty in front of you starts to melt. Your passing is something they all can relate to. But why not make your dreams transfer into the account where reality rests? Even in dreams you have the choice to serve others or serve yourself. So when you wake up each morning, why not ask yourself where you’ll wake up next when reality’s dream is spent.
